


Pain becomes easier to bear

by littlefandom



Series: We Can Talk About Everything [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Communication, Developing Relationship, Doctor Magnus Bane, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Insecure Magnus Bane, Light Angst, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, POV Alec Lightwood, Past Magnus Bane/Camille Belcourt, Past Relationship(s), Talking, Worried Alec Lightwood, Writer Alec Lightwood, don't worry it's just magnus' patient, soft boyfriends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-09-28 14:11:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17184476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlefandom/pseuds/littlefandom
Summary: "When Alec texts Magnus to ask if he can come over for dinner and receives only a short sure in answer, he knows something is wrong. No exclamation points, no emoji, not even a winking face… They’ve been together for three months and… this is not Magnus."When Magnus loses his long time patient in the hospital, he lets the sadness overtake him. He and Alec has been talking a lot, but it still takes a great amount courage to open up. Especially about something so tragic to him. But again his boyfriend surprises him in the best way with the reaction to his confession.Or, Magnus opens up a bit about his experiences at the hospital and Alec assures him again, that showing vulnerability is not a weakness.





	Pain becomes easier to bear

**Author's Note:**

> Hello :)  
> Happy New Year to you all!  
> Here I come with another part of this AU. This time from Alec's POV. Again some hurt/comfort and our boys talking and opening up to each other. Hope you'll enjoy the read!

When Alec texts Magnus to ask if he can come over for dinner and receives only a short _sure_ in answer, he knows something is wrong. No exclamation points, no emoji, not even a winking face… They’ve been together for three months and… this is not Magnus.

Alec tries not to worry too much, but can’t stop his hands from shaking the whole way to his boyfriend’s apartment. When he finally reaches the door, he lets himself in, but Magnus isn’t there to greet him, and he must have heard the buzzer when Alec was downstairs.

 _Weird_.

“Hey, Magnus.” Alec calls out as he makes his way through the hall, heading to the living room. There, he spots his boyfriend, looking beautiful as always, but something about his expression different. His gaze is focused down on the floor. “Hi.” Alec repeats as Magnus doesn’t seem to notice him.

“Oh, hey.” He says, finally snapping out of his thoughts and briefly looks up, acknowledging Alec in the room.

 _Hey_ , Alec thinks and frowns. Not _hello Alexander_ , or _hi angel_ , not even _darling_.

Alec drops the take out bags on the table and goes to sit next to Magnus on the couch.

“Hey, what’s up?” He asks, putting his hand on Magnus thigh reassuringly.

“What?” Magnus replies in question. Alec’s sure he’s never seen him so unfocused and confused before. “Nothing’s up, everything’s good.”

It’s a lie, Alec doesn’t even need to look at him, doesn’t need to see his expression, he can hear it in his voice.

“Okay…” He lets it go just for a moment. “I’ll go make some tea, you can start with the food. I stopped by this Indian place around the corner.” Alec smiles and kisses Magnus’ cheek lightly before getting up from the couch and heading to the kitchen.

Magnus’ home already feels like his second one. He knows where everything is settled, doesn’t need to ask. Could move with closed eyes here and would find everything he’s looking for. He even lost count on how many nights he's spent there already. They stay at Alec’s apartment too, but his place isn’t as comfortable as Magnus’. It’s small, far away from the city centre, but it’s the only thing Alec could afford while starting collage and while his parents refused to help him in anyway. It was enough. He was basically alone all the time, only his siblings sleeping over a few sometimes. After he published his first book and it became quite a success, he could find a new apartment, since the money wasn’t such a problem then. But he quite likes the vibe it goes with, reminds him of how he was working on his first novel. He can’t help but become a little nostalgic. Maybe it was enough back then, but now with Magnus…

When he first entered his boyfriend’s loft, he was hit with how big his place is, and how small is his own. There’s such an open space there, and at first it might come across as a bit uncomfortable, lacking the homey vibe, but once Alec started to become a regular guest here, he learnt to enjoy the atmosphere of this place.

He quickly prepares some chamomile tea, and then gets back to the living room, only to find Magnus in the same spot, sitting crossed-legs on the couch, food unpacked on the table, but still untouched.

“You’re not hungry?” Alec asks as puts their cups on the table and slumps down on the couch next to him again.

“Not really.” Magnus just shakes his head, and Alec realizes, that he hasn’t actually properly looked at him since he entered the loft.

Okay, that’s enough.

Alec sighs and takes the hold of Magnus’ hands.

“Hey,” he starts gently. “What’s wrong?”

“I told you, nothing.” Magnus claims, but Alec isn’t blind. It is clearly _something_.

“Babe,” Alec tries again. “Look at me.”

And as Magnus slowly turns his head, Alec finally gets to take in his expression.

He still looks gorgeous, but that look in his eyes… it’s sadness, pure sadness, and maybe a bit of hurt, and guilt? And perhaps a lot more emotions he hasn’t seen painting his boyfriend’s face yet. Definitely it’s nothing good, and Alec can’t stand that. He gently cups Magnus’ face to prevent him from looking away.

“Baby,” Alec attempts a bit more firmly, but as softly as he can, when panic creeps into his chest. “please, tell me what’s going on.”

“It’s nothing really…” Magnus trails off.

Alec sighs again, as the panic in his gut turns into fear.

“Magnus I… did I do something wrong or…” He tries not to let the anxiety get into his voice, but even he can hear he’s failing.

Magnus’ eyes widen in shock and his mouth hangs open before he beings to speak.

“No! Of course not!” By the tone of his voice and his reaction, it’s safe to say that it’s the most honest thing he’s said today. “I’m sorry, if I made you-“

Alec just waves his hand dismissively at his words, relaxing a bit, since it’s not him that brought that mood up upon Magnus.

“Just tell me what’s wrong.” He says, taking Magnus’ hands between his. He can see the struggle in his eyes, so he adds. “We can talk about everything, right?” 

Magnus nods slightly and exhales heavily, but still gives no intention to talk.

“Did something happened at work?” Alec prompts then.

Magnus’ shift has started at seven in the morning today and ended just a few hours ago. Since he’s here, that means there was no emergencies at the hospital. Either way he would probably stay there.

That question brings another heavy exhales from Magnus, as he nods again, closing his eyes briefly and Alec waits patiently for him to elaborate, rubbing soothing circles with the back of his thumb on the skin of his boyfriend’s palm.

“I lost a patient today.” Magnus states after a while, looking away from Alec, his expression turning even more miserable.

“Babe,” Alec squeezes his hands. “I’m so sorry.”

He tries to find Magnus’ eyes, but he still looks away, down on the floor, and as Alec sits close enough he can feel him starting to shake with effort not to cry.

“Hey…” Alec says softly and cradles his head into his hands, pulling him down close to his chest, and hugging him tightly, as he starts to sob into his t-shirt. “Shh, it’s okay.” Alec tries to sooth him, running his hands up and down his back as he trembles in his arms.

He doesn’t know how long they stay like this, doesn’t really care. What matters is to make Magnus feel better, and when he stops shaking, Alec counts it as a win.

Then Magnus pulls back lightly, wiping at his eyes as a hollow laugh escapes him.

“I’m sorry,” He sniffles. “I’m so pathetic-“

“Hey, stop this.” Alec doesn’t let him continue. “You’re not.”

All the time he’s known Magnus, he’d never thought that about him. Ever. He’s a lot of things, but for sure pathetic is not one of them. He’s selfless, caring, well-spoken, smart… Basically everything Alec has ever dreamt of. He should really thank Jace for bringing him to the skate park that day, and that kid that drove into him, or was it he who drove into that kid…

Either way, that he ended up at the ER, meeting the most beautiful man in his life, finding the possible love of his life, this has been a miracle. And even more of a miracle, is that Magnus wanted him back. And still does.

Alec will show him that he’s worth it every day.

“I should get over it.” Magnus carries on, then shakes his head and growls in frustration at himself. “I’ve been a doctor for six years, I should get fucking used to this.”

“Hey, hey.” Alec gathers him close again, as he lets out another sob. He waits until he calms down a bit.

He’s so grateful that Magnus is open like this with him. That he’s showing him this side of him. They talked about it a bit, how Magnus was afraid of coming up as weak, but by being honest about his feelings he does not become that. Alec made sure to assure him about that. He’s the strongest person Alec’s ever known. After everything he’s been through, not only with Camille, but with his mother and father… He still keeps going. And Alec will do anything to make him feel safe again, help him feel better. Even a slight bit.

“I know I shouldn’t do this.” Magnus says, his face still buried in Alec’s chest. “Get too personal into this, form this kind of closer relation with my patients… I don’t always do it, but sometimes, when someone is there just for so long… I can’t help it.”

“It’s okay.” Alec runs his hand through his boyfriend’s hair. “It’s just the way you are, you shouldn’t  try and change yourself.”

Magnus pulls back and looks at him again.

“And look where it gets me,” He sighs. “I’m a mess.”

“You’re not-“ Alec tries.

“I am.” Magnus states firmly.

It’s Alec’s turn to let out a long exhale, as he gathers up his thoughts and thinks of what to say next, to make him feel better. He’s not too good at this either. Talking about his emotions, and lifting others up, when they’re down. For half of his life he’s been so freaking repressed, hiding his emotions, and the fact that he’s gay. Only after he got together with Magnus, started to feel easy around him, which in fact took not a lot of time, he learnt to talk about this stuff. Sure, he’s always had his siblings, knew it was safe to talk to them, but somehow he didn’t want to bother them with his problems or break downs. Obviously, he doesn’t want to bother Magnus too, but with him, there’s no point at hiding, he always sees right through it. Alec thinks, that even after the small amount of time they’ve shared together, Magnus knows him the best.

“Magnus… you…” Alec attempts and chooses his words carefully. “It’s okay to break down sometimes. It really is, I-“ He sighs and his gaze falls back on Magnus’ face. “It’s your job. And no matter how long you’ve been doing this… I can’t even imagine how hard it can get. Especially after the events like today. I’ll probably never be able to understand it, but…” His hold on Magnus’ hands tightens, causing him to look up, back at Alec. “I’m here. If you ever want to talk about it. You’re not coming across as weak or pathetic if you do so. You’re brave for doing that. Actually it might help you a bit.”

And Magnus keeps looking at him, eyes flooded with tears, but finally he smiles. And Alec can’t help but smile too.

“How is it possible, that you always say the words that I need to hear?” _That you should hear_ , Alec’s thinks, but he just shrugs lightly, smile widening.

Magnus exhales heavily, his smile fading a bit, as he starts speaking.

“You know I’m just not used to this… after Camille…”

Alec knows. They talked about it, how she wrecked him. Sometimes Alec just wants to find her and do some things that even Magnus’ medical mind wouldn’t be able to comprehend. But at the same time, he doesn’t want to see her, ever, because he might not be able to control himself, if he ever saw a person that hurt his love so much. He’s just happy she’s away, with no intention of coming back.

“I told her once,” Magnus continues. “after I lost one of my first patients. I just wasn’t able to hide it. Your reaction is much better than hers.” He chuckles hollowly.

“What did she do?” Alec asks. He doesn’t want to bring back the awful memories, will understand if he doesn’t want to say, won’t force him to, but still gives him a chance to let out some part of that pain, to share it, so it can become easier to bear.

“Let’s just say she wasn’t that understanding.” He settles for that and Alec nods. “Actually, she was not understanding at all.”

“I’m sorry…” Alec says and shakes his head lightly. “She never deserved someone like you, Magnus.”

Magnus’ smile comes back up onto his face, and he shifts a bit on the couch to face Alec properly, hooking his arms around his neck.

“Thank you, angel.” He says and smiles, his eyes filling with so much love that it’s threatening to float out. “I do feel better now.”

“I’m glad.” Alec admits, also changing his position, so he can settle his hands on his boyfriend’s waist. “Well, I’m not quite alright yet, since I still haven’t had my welcome home kiss.” He pouts playfully, which earns him a soft laugh from Magnus.

“Oh, I’m sorry, am I neglecting you?” He asks teasingly.

“Well, you can easily fix that.” Alec states, and Magnus meets him half-way as the both lean in for a kiss.

Alec feels him relax into the kiss and he himself lets all the tension slide from his body, clam now that Magnus is better. He deepens the kiss and soon they need to pull apart, left out of breath.

Magnus smiles against his lips and creases him cheeks gently.

“I love you.” He states, and pecks him on the lips.

“Love you too.” Alec replies and connects their mouths again. Soon their smiles become too wide to actually kiss, so they just rest their foreheads together content in the silence that has fallen around them.

“I ruined dinner, right?” Magnus states a moment later and sighs. “I’m sorry-“

“Hey, stop with the apologising.” Alec speaks firmly. “It’s fine, no harm done.”

Magnus leans to exam the table, all the food still spread on it.

“It’s all cold.” He resorts.

“That’s,” Alec beings and stands up from the couch, grabbing two containers of their food. “what microwaves are for.” He smiles and bends down to place a kiss to his boyfriend’s forehead.

“Let me help-“ Magnus starts, but Alec cuts him off with one glare.

“No, you stay there and relax. I can handle it.”

Magnus knows better, than to argue with Alec when he uses that special tone. So he just exhales heavily and nods, as Alec disappears into the kitchen.

Soon Alec reappears in the living room, and this time when Magnus spots him, he smiles softly, which gives Alec no other choice than to smile back. He hands his boyfriend his food and then is back on the couch.

They eat in silence, but the atmosphere is way less tensed, than when Alec had entered the loft today. They puts on some TV, but it’s more of a background noise, and when their done with the food, Magnus begins to speak again.

“I was thinking,” He puts the now empty container back on the table, and turns to face Alec again. “maybe we could get away somewhere for the weekend? Just the two of us?”

Alec smiles at the thought of spending two days alone with his boyfriend, without prying eyes and ears, but then his smile fades, as he starts to form his response.

“Babe, I’d love to, but I’m kinda tied up now. There are deadlines for new chapters coming in, and I have like three meetings with my editor and publisher next week, I’m still not done with all the work I should be done with.” He sighs. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright, angel.” Magnus puts his hand on Alec’s thigh reassuringly running it up and down. “It was just a thought. I get it sweetheart.” He leans in and kisses Alec softly on the lips.

As he pulls back he must have notice this kind of guilty and apologetic expression painting his boyfriend’s face, so he tries again.

“Alexander, really it’s fine.” He states and smiles. “Just don’t overwork yourself, huh?”

Alec nods slightly and shifts to put his head on Magnus’ shoulder, and his boyfriend’s hand immediately wanders to his hair, gently combing through it.

He’d really love to leave with Magnus, just enjoy themselves for a few short days, but he really can’t right now. It’s frantic with his new novel, it’s this in shreds and he needs to put it all back into one, by the end of the week. He can’t seem to focus now, something always is distracting him, but he’ll manage, like he always does.

“Maybe we can try it next month?” Alec suggests, humming in appreciation as his boyfriend’s hand delicately massages his scalp.

“Of course, I’m sure I’ll have some time off.” Magnus answers happily. “Where would you like to go?”

“Anywhere with you.” Alec doesn’t need to think of a reply, it really doesn’t matter. He was able to see a few parts of the world, because of his books being published in various countries, but even if Magnus chose to go somewhere Alec has already visited, it would be totally different exploring it with him.

“Then, we’ll figure something out. There’s still time.” Magnus drops a kiss on top of Alec’s head.

Yeah, they have time. None of them is planning to let go of one another. Seems like all the time in the world is in their hands.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Let me know all your thoughts in the comments and leave a kudo if you liked the story :) Next time we'll see Alec struggling a bit and getting overwhelmed by work, but of course Magnus will be there to lift him up <3 if you have any requests for some stories in this universe drop them below or message me on tumblr little-fandom or twitter littlefandom4 !


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